I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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