I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
