So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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