I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want nice things and good sex
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
did i just pee glitter
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
