I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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