After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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