Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
