he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize