grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize