I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
