Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
