I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
What a dumb baby whore.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
