dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We need to rekindle our bromance
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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