Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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