That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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