I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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