I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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