Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
