I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
