honey bunches of taint.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize