So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
