Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
"it" just moved
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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