Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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