He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
