I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the condom got lost in my hair
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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