I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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