did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
