do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
