I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
