I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
