Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
