Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
