I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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