so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize