I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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