It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
