It's Friday. Sex?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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