My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
