I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
