the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
