I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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