I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
