How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
