I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
