I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
