you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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