He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
