Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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