Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Never joke about your clitoris.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
