i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
