did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
