she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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