The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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