I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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