Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize