She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
