I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
