I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
is it fun? or sober?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
