somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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