These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
