At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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