i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
