I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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