I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize