Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
