hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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