And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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